My Faith Gives Me Strength (11October2013)

If someone needs faith to stop them from doing wrong then something is wrong with the person, not the faith.

I know that something is wrong with me, I understand that my faith and desire to not get in trouble are the only things stopping me from snapping. Exploding in anger and making my life swirl down the drain, never to be the same. My faith has been my only company on many occasions, the only thing holding me when I cry, comforting me when I feel the most alone. Even now, with yet another unnecessary and idiotic stress load being thrust upon me I feel wishing that the Dark Gods would take me into the cloak of their darkness. It is a mechanism that has always been a part of me. Things go horribly wrong and I look unto the pit of the darkness, not as a way to get away, but in wonderment as what could lie within. Nothing but nonexistence, my energy being used so that I may be reborn as whatever is required by the Earth Goddess as she slumbers.

I sometimes believe that I will soon be like one of those ultradevout Christians that always talk about their faith in one way or another when you speak to them. Not the ones that are constantly trying to convert you, but the ones who are so in tune with their faith that they’re inseparable from it. I’ve been through so much emotionally speaking that taking me from paganism will result in me clutching onto it with a death grip. I wonder though, were I not made aware of paganism and was just alone without faith, friends, love, or anyone to make me feel good for myself, would I be here? I don’t think I would be, even now I peer over the edge into the ether, so without faith I may decide to take the plunge. A depressed soul I know I am, but I need meaning to give me identity. For now I identify heavily with paganism, but I want more, this is one of many reasons why I want to be in the military.

As odd as it may be that a pagan is deciding to take part in the military A blog post that I need to make anyway its something that I feel I need right now to give me some form of happiness. I thought that simply getting a job would help, but extenuating circumstances of course crushed that. But looking to sadness never helps relieve the pain I’ve felt for so long, I’m robbing myself of happiness. But how can you look to find happiness when the land around you is dead and without sunshine?

Ugh, but I’m rambling now, seeing the pool of dread next to me and trying to drown myself in it for some sense of relief.

So at the end of the day will I decide to call upon the darkness to sweep me up and take me away from this world? No, I won’t commit suicide, I’m too chicken to do it anyway, my will to live outweighs the desire for peace and eternal slumber. Though they’re plenty if times where I wish I were dead, I can’t do it myself.

One day I may be happy, and even if I’m not and destined to be sad and angry, I’ll always have the Death God waiting for me with open arms…