Hiding My Faith

Being Pagan as a teenager was like most people’s, hard. Having a parent who is very Christian & wants the world to know about it. Up and singing Sunday morning to Jesus tunes about forgiveness, being a sinner, God’s love, the blood of Jesus. All that jazz that mysteriously never transferred to her not hitting me, being emotionally manipulative, telling me I’m going to hell, or her telling me to my face she hates me. Weird right? So lo and behold when I was in middle school and had a beloved friend tell me about this religion called Wicca he happened upon and how it was about nature, witchcraft, Gods and magick. It was bizarre and new to me as I’ve heard of Abrahamic faiths. Your Muslims, Jews, and obvious Christians, but never much beyond that as contemporary faiths are concerned. We talked for a while about it and called it a day, but that set the seed of Paganism in my mind. A seed that would sprout soon after starting high school.

Once I began researching, I found myself ravenous for more and more information. It was everything that I believed in regard to the natural world, animism, respecting nature and seeing it as a part of Divinity. The shoe fit perfectly, and I was determined to become Wiccan through self-initiation. I had a two-inch binder filled with holidays, correspondences, everything needed to have a base understanding of Wicca and all it was about. I remember walking home from school that late afternoon with my binder in my bookbag ready to firehose myself with information. It wasn’t long before my mother found it & of course confiscated it, putting it atop a bin just outside her room where I wasn’t allowed to touch it. Eventually all the papers vanished and that was that, but I wasn’t done. The fight just started after all and while my mother did a lot of bad things, she also raised a fighter who doesn’t give up.


  1. Switched To Online Research

She could take my things, but she can’t take down websites. Whenever I got the chance be it lunch, after school, or before school I did research on meditations, candle correspondences, ways to make a circle, rituals, prayers, witchcraft, Wiccan sects, everything. I left no stone unturned and did what I needed to at home when she was at work. When I first started I had no materials, but as long as you bring your heart and intent you don’t need materials, candles, books, or a Book of Shadows. Just had to keep in mind that if I ever did research on her computer that I erased the history.


  1. Keep Tools Outside the House

When I elevated to wanting tools I utilized the fortune of having woods all around me to not only buy my own materials, but to make a ritual area of my very own. I started small by going to Walmart or the Dollar Store (Back when things were actually a dollar) to buy candles, incense crystals from a now closed store Trilogy and offering bowls as well as a bin to put them all in. I also made my Book of Shadows, which consisted of all correspondences, references, writings, & rituals I’d use to practice my faith. Knowing my mother’s schedule helped for when it was raining and I still wanted a read I could just slip my books in my belt or in my bookbag, read until it was near time for her to leave work, then return the book to my space. If I didn’t know her schedule or had any suspicion she’d return sooner than I expected I wouldn’t risk it. All it would take is one slip up, one miscalculation & I’d be caught red-handed, & I was NOT handing over my books. There were times where I had to repair candles with damaged wicks, a very risky endeavor being that all my candles were scented. I had to do candle repairs as soon as I was certain she had left so I had enough time to open the doors & windows to let the scent out.


3. Secret Tunnel Writing

Be it a journal or your Book of Shadows, if you have snooping parents and keep your writings on you or in your house they will eventually be found. I suffered that truth first hand when my journals would be raided and my inner most thoughts, feelings, and emotions would constantly be put on trial as wrong think and be accused of all sorts of stuff. The most effective defense I had were to make secret writings that neither she nor anyone else knew except for myself. It takes a lot of practice and memorizing for it to become natural, but it can be done when in such dire straights. Make sure you have a key handy without the letters being obvious like “symbol = a” unless you want to get caught. I had mine set in a certain position so that only I knew where the key started and where it ended alongside some obfuscation just in case. If my mother ever caught me with it in the house & asked what it meant I’d just lie, not like she knows either way.


4. Encryption

Secret writing on a computer, I made extensive use of encryption as I had to deal with my computer being taken and I’m sure documents were looked through as well. You can either use a password lock on Microsoft Word, or use something like VeraCrypt to keep your things safe. Its sad that modern teen Pagans have to go through this, but its an unfortunate fact. If I could go back I’d save it, encrypt it, email myself the encrypted files, then called it a day. Of course not using something easy like someone’s birthday, name, common phrase, etc.


5. To Be Silent

Above all else I kept my mouth shut, not talking to any friends, family, coworkers, or fellow students about what I did. A listening ear is a talking mouth , & even if you trust the people around you, that doesn’t mean they don’t gossip.